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Healing from Sexual Abuse & Incest – Mental Health help with Kati Morton | Kati Morton


– Today, I want to talk to
you about how to heal sexually from past sex abuse or incest. (tinkling piano keys) As always, I’mma use my favorite book, The Courage to Heal Workbook. Now this is written by Laura
Davis, and it’s amazing. She also has the The Courage
to Heal, just the regular book, but this is the workbook
and this is what I find to be most helpful in
session with my clients to give them some tools
and some journal topics and things like that to go on. The topic that I’m going to
talk about today is something I get a lot of questions about. And that is, I have a partner and I want to be sexually active, I want to have intimacy with this person, but because of my incest or
my sexual abuse in my past, I find that to be impossible. And it’s really difficult
for many of us to do this to have loving sex, in a
loving sexual relationship with someone when we’ve had that in our past. Because we are triggered, it can cause us to have flashbacks. We can have like a PTSD
like type response, we can have a panic attack
and we have to stop. Often times, in the middle of lovemaking, we’ll have to say, “Get
off me! Get off me!” We might even have a
complete emotional breakdown, where we like freak out and get off of us, and we feel, the thing I
love about this book is that Laura gives her
experience and she talks about how often times she
thought it was her fault, and she would feel really broken and like it’s all the baggage that I have and all the stuff that I carry
around makes it my fault. And finding a sexual
partner, that’s patient, that understands, that
you can be open with, not only physically, but also emotionally, and talk to them about the process. She talks about how important that is to the healing process of this,
because it’s gonna be hard. We’re gonna to take two steps forward and we’re gonna slide back a
little and every time we try, it might not be, you know, the perfect lovemaking experience, but we’re getting that much better at it. And having a partner
that’s understanding and responsive is really key. And I think, I wanna read
a little excerpt from this, because she says this and
it’s such an important point for all of us who’ve
struggled with this to hear and take in, so I want you to
really try and listen to this. She says, “Overcoming shame
and accepting myself was “at the core of my sexual healing. “I had come to the realization
that every one of the “sexual problems I was experiencing “had a certain inner logic. “Each one was directly
connected to something that had “happened to me as a child. “The problems I had with
sex had been forced on me, “as surely as the incest. “They were not my fault.” And I think that’s really important. Often times we are made to
feel like this struggle, and the fact that we may
have to stop and start and stop and start is all our fault. But I assure you, it is not. Okay? I want you all to hear that. And now, the things that
she talks about after this, and the kind of the work
that we’re going to do today is figuring out why we
want to work through this. Why do we want to heal? Why do we want to have a
loving sexual relationship? And so, often times, because our past is the incest or the sex abuse that sex
was on someone else’s agenda. It was put at their time
and their pace and whenever they wanted it, and we had no say. This is a time when we get to have a say. This is our life. This is what we get to decide, when, where, who, how, et cetera. And the first things
within this workbook that she asks you to do is completing
the following sentences. I want to work on my
sexuality right now because? And she gives some prompts, I’m ready, Jackie will leave me if I don’t, and you can insert
whoever’s name into that, I want my body back, I don’t
want my abuser in my bed, or my marriage is at stake. And she says, go back and
circle any reasons that indicate your own internal readiness. So you can make a list,
those are just prompts. So start making a list. I wanna work on my
sexuality right now because. Why do you wanna work on it now? And then go back and circle the reasons that indicate your own internal
readiness because of you. And then put a star next to those that are based primarily on outside pressures. Like someone will leave me if I don’t. I’m afraid they’ll laugh at me again or who knows what’s happening. Now the next prompt, I don’t want to work on my sexuality right now because. I’m not sure anything will change, I’m afraid of having flashbacks, I’m not ready. Why would we not wanna work on it? And then I want you to
compare both sets of answers and respond to these following questions. Which sets of reasons is more
compelling to me and why? Do I feel pressured to heal sexually? If so, by whom and why? And does that pressure
remind me of the abuse. If so, how? I think the important part, and the reason I wanted to
talk about this so much is because often times we repeat the pattern. We talk in therapy all the time about recapitulation of past issues, so something may have happened to us, but we’re reliving it again today. And the thing that we don’t recognize is that we have a choice not to. And as soon as we can recognize that we don’t have to have sex
on someone else’s agenda, doesn’t have to be at their time, it doesn’t have to be when they want it. We are in that relationship too, and we have every right
to say you know what, I’m just not ready today. Today’s a bad day, I had
a really triggering day. I’m feeling really down or whatever it is. And the sooner we can learn to
accept that part of ourselves that what happened to us is not our fault, the hurt and the pain and
the scars from surviving it is not our fault. But how we go about
healing ourselves from it, is something we have control over and we can be patient with ourselves. We can take those two steps forward, and maybe slide back a little, but know we are on the path to recovery. We’re going to heal from this. And so I would encourage if any of you are having this struggle in your relationship, you’re worried that your
marriage may be at stake or your relationship may, they may break up with you, or whatever’s happening, if you’re worried about
that or you’re just trying to work through healing
from past sexual abuse, and you don’t have a partner, but it’s something you’re working on, I still think these can be great tools for you to take time to think about. Why do you want to? Why do you want to work on it? Why don’t you want to work on it? And then, which set of
reasons is more compelling? Why? So take time to think, because
trust me, I know it’s hard. I know it’s gonna take time, but we can get through this. We’re working together, right? We’re working towards a healthy
mind and a healthy body, and I promise you, if you
utilize this workbook, it’s an amazing workbook. If you utilize this and at
your own pace, work through it, you will heal. Don’t forget to subscribe to my channel. I put out different videos all the time. So you make sure, you don’t
want to miss them, right? You don’t want to miss
different topics, you know? You never know what I’m
going to be talking about. And don’t forget to like this video. If you want more on
this topic, let me know. That’s how I rate it, by the likes. And I will keep working with you, putting one foot in front of the other, towards a healthy mind and a healthy body. Forward with our therapist, and then we will have times that we have a really shitty day and we cry and we act out, so know that will happen
and that’s normal. And when we struggle so much, and we’ve had such a trauma.

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