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Joe Giudice Wants to be an MMA Fighter


Live from New York City, it’s the Wendy Williams Show! (crowd cheering)
(upbeat music) ♪ Feel it, feel it, feel it ♪ ♪ Lets go! Common you need it ♪ ♪ How you doin? ♪
(crowd whooping) Now here’s Wendy! (crowd cheering) (crowd whooping) The love. Hi, thanks everyone for the show. And say hello to my co-host our studio audience. How you doin? How you doin? I’m doin okay, let’s get started it’s time for– Hot topics! Common! (upbeat music)
(crowd cheering) Yes, yes! Blow the whistle, hoot, hoot! All right. (crowd chattering) I just feel like sometimes people don’t really put a lot of thought into the next plan in life, you know what I’m saying? Yes. Like I’m a plotter. I like a good plot. You sit back, you figure out life and you sit and you plot. Joe you had many months, or years, how long was it again? Years. Years! Plot in jail.
And one month. As far as your next plan. Now look, I understand Joe lost like 50 pounds, he’s been lifting weights, he’s already a good lookin man so he probably looks even better. He’s 47 and now that he’s waiting, they’re waiting to decide whether he gets deported or stays here in America and lives in Jersey with Teresa and the girls. I don’t know what’s gonna to happen, but he’s in that deportation holding tank. So he’s out of jail, but he’s in like a holding tank. And here he comes up with an idea that he wants to be a mixed martial arts fighter. (laughter) Look old man, if you don’t have the back at 47 you don’t want the back. (laughter and applause) Look, look, look… You don’t want the knee, you don’t want the wrist. Kim K is dealing with the arthritis and she’s younger than you. But you know what I’m sayin? Like we don’t want stuff, why are you asking for body agitation of your situation at 47? You know it’s going down, okay! Well… So who is he going to fight? Connor McGregor? (audience laughs) He’s gonna whoop your ass! And then you’ll be caught with the back but livin in America forever. I don’t know, okay so, I think Joe should have really thought about this a lot more. And Joe it’s so easy, you didn’t go to jail because you did it by yourself. You know what I’m sayin? You know between Teresa and your henchmen who maybe were never caught. You know people who have legit businesses. At the very least Joe Gorga. He builds strip malls and houses and condos, and you know whatever Joe Gorga does he does it, it’s legit, he’s not in jail. This is what you shoulda told the parole board, or whoever you talk to once you waitin to be deported. Or whatever. You should told them, look I got a job with my brother in law. Joe Gorga I wouldn’t share my business with Joe Giudice because maybe you know, I’m not sharing my business if legit. But I will tell the parole board, yeah he’s my brother in law is my partner in my construction business. (laughter) So you know? (applause) Like… mixed martial arts. And I’ve never seen it but I understand you fight in a cage. So you’re goin from one cage to the other? Look, look, look, look and they could use anything they want whether like there no gloves so you could punch, kick, windmill. (laughter) The thing is is that you’re already coming out of a place that’s notorious for violence that would be jail. Introducing to the parole board that you want to stay in violence to stay in the country? (displeasing moans) Not a good idea. And then after the parole board signs you off, look, look, look, look, and you’ve tricked them into believing that you’re actually a partner with Joe Gorga. Then if you wanna be a MMA fighter then go! (laughter)
Then go! But you don’t introduce that as your first job when you’re getting out of jail. That’s alls I’m sayin.
(applause) Alls I’m sayin. I don’t wanna complain publicly. But this is the fourth day, the tea is too hot in the morning. (intrigued moans) No I’m saying, I mean this tea is hot. But,
(applause) Like this is sufferably hot. And my tongue is very tender. (laughter) Anyway, you know I love Jeff Lewis flipping out, you love him too if you watch the show Flipping Out. Jeff has brought us through ebbs and flows of his entire life. He’s been here on the show many, I love him! Yes.
Okay. (applause) But with that being said Jeff, you were less than smart. So is a new dad. His daughter is two years old, and she was expelled from preschool. (disbelieving moans) Now look, now, now, look, now look. It’s not the girls fault. This is Jeff’s fault. Jeff went on his radio show, and criticized his, the school that his daughter attends. You know like back to school night it’s so stupid, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah they’re always stupid. (laughter) You know, I guess. You know it’s a chance for parents to get to know one another. If you’re a Jeff Lewis then you go there they’re tryin to take selfies. The parents spaz out more than the kids. You know back to school nights used to be, I’m so glad I’m out of those years. (laughter and applause) Suzanne I know you get it. I’m goin tonight. Oh!
Three hours long! That you’ll never get back. Exactly. And here you are on TV. Yes I am! And so then you’ll walk in they’ll be like there’s Brendan and Suzanne. Oh I walk in with my How you doin? Tshirt! (cheers and applause)
Absolutely! Rub it in their faces. Rub it in their faces. But do they look at you weird? Like how is that? I didnt’ like back to school night because the parents were all like yeah, mm-mm, selfie. Yeah no I can’t. Yeah. I’m like I’m trying to figure out chemistry and you’re selfie-ing. Mm-hum, mm-hum.
Please stop. I don’t think I mean I’m not gonna get that, but maybe a couple How you doin?’s
How you doin?’s You know what I mean? Just a couple.
Well your principal was here Yeah oh she loves you! So you already get She was a co-host one day. Yes she loves you since the radio. Oh. And when I walked into elementary school the first day she almost had a heart attack. She was like why are you here? Uh-huh she loves you. (applause and laughter) Shoe cam please.
Uh-huh! What is goin on? I know I got a little matchy, matchy stripes there, stripes here. They’re cute, they’re cute. (applause) Cute.
Thank you. Anyway so here’s the deal. For those of use with children you might understand, or maybe you’ll disagree with me, I don’t know. Look Jeff criticized some of the parents on his radio show like I was telling you. You know like back to school night is so stupid. Jeff talked about what happened. He spoke about the head mistress. So it’s a private school where they call the principal a mistress. Which is so out of order to me. So out of order. Anyway listen, Within the first few minutes, she had already just kind of, she just laid it out and said look we’re gonna be expelling Monroe. I did appeal to her I said look, I said this is my first misstep here, and I said look I am so sorry. What can I do to make this right? What was the specific thing that she said that happened?
[Jeff} Well Apparently– Yeah what was that Jeff? Well apparently I’ve mentioned a few things about the school on air. I said I just cannot believe this is the Montessori Way? Like really, you don’t get to make amends, there’s no second chances,
No warning. you can’t apologize. No warnings, nothing. No like, dear Mr. Lewis this is our policy you have broken it don’t do it again?
Nothing. Nothing, it was immediately she’s expelled. Wow! Well Jeff that’ll learn ya. Here’s the thing, all right. There was a point in our lives where we lived in a school system where I didn’t want Kevin to go to that public school. I wanted him to go to the private school. It was like a good school. Like $50,000 a year. But you have to take the test, and you have to really do it, and the parents have to be on their grind. And me and Big went for the interview. I told Big you wear a long sleeve shirt with a collar, cover up the tattoos, take off the jewelry, pull everything out, I’m flatting down my boobs. (laughter) I wore flat front khakis. But you know you do what you have to do and disguise for your kids until they get accepted and then you come out how you are. (applause and cheers)
You know what I mean? So, so, And I was taking Kev to tutor, we took the lessons, we wrote the essays, I help him write the essays and wrote some sentences that I thought he shouldn’t include but I’ll include them myself. You do what you have to do for your kids. Not in the Lory Loughlin way. (moans and applause) But, you know. And then I got the reject notice. We were rejected, oh yes! Oh yes, we were ready to go. And I was Wendy on the radio then so I was a little slicker then. Well no I’m still slick but just you know. Just radio is a different time in my maturation of becoming a women. So anyway, so I got the rejection letter I’ll never forget it. I balled like a baby, went in the bathroom, closed the door turned on the fan loud, cause you know you don’t want your kids to hear you crying. I called my mother. The only person who would understand, cause she likes that upper echelon stuff. And it was a good school. I was like, mom we were rejected. We had everything laid out. And so she said, well Wendy why? Mommy they didn’t tell me why. You know what, Wendy ask them why. I said, you’re right mommy! You’re right! I called up that school the next day, (mimics a phone ring) why were we rejected? Turns out, there’s this big mouth DJ on the radio on a morning show, a white guy won’t say his name but it starts with a T. (moans) Look his kids got expelled from the school because he’s on his morning show here in New York talking crap about the school. Like the same thing Jeff was.
(moaning) You know like back to school night, bah bah bah, bah bah bah. Then the kids I guess were not up to par with the school and so it was really easy for the school to say they’re out. So they rejected us cause I was a bigg-er mouth, I was more popular than him. (laughter and applause) But, they rejected us cause they thought that I was gonna get on the radio and talk slick about the school once he got in. So Jeff you can’t do that, just fatherhood 101. Look she’s only two Monroe will never remember. Just get your act together and good luck with fatherhood. (applause) A top 40 DJ. Like he was playing the Eagles while I was playing RaKim. (moans and laugher) Which by the way I was on the phone last night with RaKim I’m minding my own business okay. I’m sittin around, I’m eating food god’s leftovers remember the caviar look I brought all that stuff home from yesterday. I was eatin. I had a little company. (cheering) And so, you know, so look.
(applause) Not a groupie of the show so had no idea I didn’t cook the food, so of course I said I cooked it. (laughter) We were eatin those chicken sandwiches and the caviar with the Doritos. Caviar and Cool Ranch is the best! And the phone rings (mimics ringing phone) It’s RaKim. And I’m like hey Ra! I said, you know cause he’s one of the people who I made friends with over the summer. Like I knew RaKim all along, I interviewed him on the radio Eric B. RaKim, whatever. But one day I walked into my office after the show, I think I told you this before the season ended. And his manuscript for his new book is out. He’s doin his autobiography. And I was about to leave for L.A. That’s where I met Kardashians. You know my lonesome girl trip, which turned out to be very fabulous. (applause) You know, so look, look, look, So I see the manuscript, I take it and I’m reading on the plane and I get to the hotel. And I ask Chief get me his number direct. I call him up I’m like, you’re real interesting. I said, when we come back for fall I want you to be on our show. But we’re a specific show. You’re a cool kinda guy, I see when you walk out here and I say and he’s RaKim you’re gonna get dizzy. People are gonna be wearing crowns and glitter. The music is gonna be playin and laughin. I mean these are your people, but this is not necessarily you know, the lights are gonna be bright. You can’t wear sunglasses like RaKim. You can’t be overly cool, and you got to talk. So we’ve made friends over the summer. So he called yesterday to say, yeah you know so I can’t wait to see you next Wednesday, he’s gonna be on the show next Wednesday right. (applause and cheers) Oh Thursday, Thursday, Thursday sorry. Thursday, Thursday. So you know he’s married and stuff like that, it wasn’t like a boo thang, thang. Everything is not a boo thang, thang. Although he’s very nice looking. And very smart. And still works very well. Yes! Like when you talk to him on the phone he over in Holland doin you know a show. I ain’t no joke! Like he’s you know he’s everywhere. So anyway so I said all right well let’s hook up before you come on the show, so we can you know have a meal, break bread, he likes fish which is his favorite dish. (cheers and applause) So I’m like all right we’ll get fried fish, white bread, hot sauce, vinegar, you know. Yeah, mm-hum. And we’ll break bread before the show just so that you understand that when I say here’s my friend RaKim now you’re loosened up. Cause you loosened up to me, and so you’ll be loose with my people. And you’ll talk good hip hop history. Anyway, so I’m minding my own business, and then I read about this story regarding Drake after I hang up with him. So Drake is at war with his neighbors in Canada. Well you know apparently Drake has this beautiful home. It looks like a shopping mall. Would you look at this. And he wanted special permission to have 14 foot walls around his mansion. Because people are climbing the mansion walls, and throwing their panties on the ground. Wanting to come in and get boo’d up or whatever. Whatever people do. So that’s twice as high as they normally allow, apparently in Canada. I know like in Jersey I think it’s like a four foot wall. Which four feet is nothin’. Like I can’t, like that would deter me. I can’t climb a four foot wall on account of (mimics rusty swing)
(laughter) But if James gave me this right here and I stepped right in there, look I could climb a four foot wall. James right? That’s right. You’ve given me this before. Yeah I have. I’ve had to climb stuff before. Look when this show goes off you’d be surprised at what else happens. (laughter and applause) So look his neighbors are mad because the wall is blocking the view from their windows. I don’t know what view, I don’t see an ocean, I don’t see anything but viewing into Drakes bedroom, his dining room, what’s goin on at his house. The neighbors should be happy. And here’s what I say, if I was his neighbor I’d be happy as heck. Because first of all Drake spend the money for that. Second of all it’s not a chain link fence. Like in Roselle, New Jersey or somethin like that. No it’s a fence and you know you put all that greenery and then the topiary plants that spin like this. And then your gardener is there like everyday makin sure that everything, you know with a tape measure. Everything is leveled off. Like I like neighbors like that. I would not be pissed at all if I lived in a house and my neighbors built a 14 foot fence. Cause you’re saving me from blocking you out. (laugher and applause) But, you know, the neighbors are mad, but the biggest matter is the one living closest to him. So you know what neighbor closest to him this is what you do cause I think that this would be agreeable. If you put three blocks, right, and then where you are neighbor where you don’t want to be blocked, then you go over to Drake with a muffin basket. Ding Dong. Drake what’s his real name? Aubrey Graham. Aubrey. Aubrey, hi. I’m Wendy, here. Listen can you not make it 14 feet? Can you at least make it, cause I really don’t know what the neighbor is seeing and we still haven’t gotten to the bottom of it. We’re good here at Hot Topics there’s no ocean, there’s no New York skyline. There’s like I don’t know what they’re tryin to look at. But you know there could be, you know when you own a home, not rent, when you own you’re there for life. And so you gotta get along with your neighbors. And I think that he could, or she, whoever lives in the house next door or in the back, could have said look, can you make it seven feet? Here’s the muffin basket, no I don’t wanna autograph. I don’t wanna be bothered, thank you so much. By the way I like your music. (applause) You know? I mean even if you do rent, wherever you live is where you live. I’m not movin so we gotta work this out. Right. You know what I’m sayin? We gotta work this all the way out. So I’m minding my business the other day, and this is part of what happened during the summer. But just ended. Summer is over this weekend by the way. So happy. Only cause fashion is so much better here in New York for the fall and winter. (applause) You get a good jacket. So, Bernies over, Chief is over, and we’re goin over Wendy business, the phone rings (mimics ring). Hella? That’s my disguise hello, you know, hella? If I don’t recognize the number, I didn’t recognize the number, I was like okay. And it was Tiffany Haddish. (moans and applause) So Tiffany goes, last time I talked to her I was on the phone with a three way I didn’t lock her number in. So I didn’t recognize her number, she didn’t recognize mine, but she had my number. And I told her when we were on the three way a few weeks ago with a third friend of ours, Jason Lee, I said look well Tiffany when you’re in New York come over. Cause she likes to go out and pick up guys, and dip it and do it. You know. You know if I have a moment that sounds like it could be interesting. So she’s like Wendy I’m in New York. I said, you are? She said, yeah you wanna get together? I wanna take you out tonight. I said, okay. I didn’t ask her where we were going, I was assuming it was gonna be something with a negligee and dip it and do it. So she says, I said okay well I’m in a meeting right now with my staff here at the apartment. She said I’ll be there in 15 minutes. I was like, okay. I gave her the address. She comes over all by herself. Like all by herself, in like a church lady outfit. Yeah you’ll see. Like you know she’s in a sensible outfit like are you goin to the White House or are we gonna dip it and do it? Like how are we dressin tonight? So that’s us, they finished the meeting in the living room. But she was talkin real loud. She’s loud. And I can get loud-er. And we were talkin and laughin like two girlfriends. So we went into my bedroom, cause there’s a couch and I don’t like entertaining in my bedroom like that. But new life it’s a small, it’s an apartment not a house. So we’re sittin in the couch in my, and that’s just a selfie. And you know what’s wild? I posted this on Instagram people are like what is wrong with Wendy’s teeth? They’re all growing from my, look one over lapped I had the braces but I didn’t wear the retainer for so long. You know I’m 55, you know teeth shift. Anybody over a certain age knows, the teeth shift. (applause) I’m not wearin fake teeth. These are my teeth, those are my teeth. And that is my friend. So then all right so we’re at the house for like two hours laughin and yuk yukin. Bernie and Chief leave it’s just me and Tiff. No, no, I invited Bernie along and Tiff was fine with it cause I was like Bernie I don’t know what we’re doin. So I put on some panty shorts. (laughter) No, look, look, I don’t know where we’re going and she’s not from New York. But you know I only have a few more days of summer. So I’m gonna work these shorts out, right. (applause) So I put on the panty shorts and knot up my Tshirt, and you know I guess my fanny pack or whatever I had goin on with me. Berntie. Oh I call him. I’m sorry, Bernie I call you that. You know like you say huntie, that means serious. Honey. Huntie is more serious. So I’m like Berntie you’re gonna come with me and Tiffany all right. So it’s the three of us and then Jason Lee. All right so the four of us go, I’m like where we goin Tiff, where we goin Tiff, where we– we pull up to the theater and we’re goin in to see Wicked. (moans) Look, Suzanne, Suzanne. I almost broke Bernie’s ribs.
Uh-huh! Like okay.
Uh-huh! Now you know I’ve been on Broadway, I do appreciate Broadway, but I don’t have that kind of patience. I’ve already seen Wicked. Those years are over. I’m where I’m trying to culture my son and stuff. Like I, you know. So I’m like okay, okay, here we go. And so we go inside and they sit me and Tiffany together. And like we’re heads of state. People are like how you doin? And hi’in and hey’in to her and hey’in to me. All right so we sit down and I’m like, damn! And they put us in some really good seats. Where like you can’t get up in the middle of the show and leave. (laughter) And Bernie and Jason were all the way on the other side of the theater. I don’t know where they were. All I know was I had 100% of gas in my phone, look I tried you all. I tried. And I had a set apart wig. I tilted it to a side part. Look, look, look, look.
(applause) Tiffany was sittin right here. She was sittin right here and I didn’t want her to see. I’m fallin asleep. It’s an early show like 8:00 but I had done stuff earlier that day. Plus I didn’t realize I was goin out that night. I wanted to mind my own business but Tiff was in town and she was so gracious to invite me out. But I thought we were gonna dip it and do it. And she studying and she literally turns into a different person. She’s sitting up straight, she’s facing forward, all of a sudden the dress she’s wearing looks very appropriate for the occasion. (laughter) I am in panty shorts and a knotted top. With a tilted wig falling asleep. 45 minutes into it I had to cop to it. I was like Tiffany yeah like I’m really tired. I have to go home. I don’t want to embarrass you. I can see you’re tryin to chase Broadway I don’t wanna be your embarrassing friend. I don’t wanna stay until the end. Plus I saw this it’s really good, do you want me to tell you how it ends? (laughter) So she’s like no. Look, look, look. So I pull out my phone and you know on Broadway your not allowed to take out your phones it’s very uncouth. But so am I. So I pull out my phone. I block it. I’m tryin to block from the person next to me. And I’m texting Bernie across the way. I’m like Bernie I’m falling asleep I have to go. And I don’t care whether you enjoy this or not, you’ve got to come with me I can’t leave. You’ve got to come with me, and then I’m gonna blame it on you okay Bernie. (laughter) No I’m gonna say like you might have you know heartburn or something like that. So he texts me back he’s like, I am so grateful. (laughter) So I– look, look, look, look, look. So then I’m like perfect. I said, meet me in 32 seconds out in the lobby. (laughter) And just as I’m tryin to close the phone the usher comes over and leans in and says you’re not–and the usher was shady. But you have to respect Broadway. And I don’t mean to disrespect, I just didn’t want to fall asleep and really disrespect. My head was swinging you know. (laughter) Like I couldn’t even fall asleep like this, like literally I was. I had Jolly Ranchers, I had Lemon Patch Kids. Nothin was keepin me awake. So I met Bernie out there, I said goodbye to Tiffany, and we went home. In the meantime we gotta go to a break. (applause) We got more great show for you everybody. My friend Bellamy Young returns to the purple couch. So grab a snack and common back. (applause)
(upbeat music)

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