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Key & Peele – Retired Military Specialist

Key & Peele – Retired Military Specialist


[hinges creaking] – I WAS WONDERING WHEN
I WOULD COME IN HERE TO FIND YOU SITTING IN THAT CHAIR. – IT WASN’T EASY
TRACKING YOU DOWN, DECKER. – WASN’T SUPPOSED TO BE. – I KNOW YOU’VE RETIRED,
BUT– – THAT’S ALL BEHIND ME NOW,
GENERAL. I’M NOT THE MAN YOU KNEW
DURING THE COLD WAR. – I UNDERSTAND. WE’RE NOW FACING A THREAT UNLIKE
ANY WE’VE EVER FACED BEFORE. A MAN WITH YOUR EXPERTISE–
– I MADE A VOW. NEVER TO KILL
ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. SORRY, GENERAL, GONNA
HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. – OH… NO, WE WEREN’T
THINKING YOU’D DO IT. WE WERE–[clears throat]
JUST HOPING YOU COULD RECOMMEND SOMEONE
FOR THE JOB. – I GUESS I COULD
COME OUT OF RETIREMENT. – NO. NO NEED.
JUST A RECOMMENDATION WILL DO. – ALL RIGHT. I’LL DO IT. – YOU KNOW, YOU’RE JUST
NOT WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR. – YOU SLY SON OF A BITCH. YOU ALWAYS KNEW
HOW TO PUSH MY BUTTONS. I’M IN. – NOT YOU, DECKER. – I’M SHARP AS I EVER WAS.
– [sighs] – EVEN FASTER TOO.
GRAB MY HAND. NOPE. WAIT TILL
I COUNT TO THREE FIRST. – REALLY? – ONE. TWO. THREE. OKAY. I WANT YOU TO TRY
AND SLAP ME IN THE FACE. UNH! WASN’T READY FOR THAT. TRY AGAIN. UNH! OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? – NOW WHAT?
– DIDN’T HAVE MY ADRENALINE UP. ‘CAUSE THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL
HIGH-STAKES SITUATION. ALL RIGHT. DRAW YOUR WEAPON. AND…DISARMED.
[gun hammer clicks] YOU’RE GETTING PRETTY QUICK
AND DISARMED–OKAY. I DON’T NEED
TO TAKE YOUR WEAPON. YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHOOT ME. – I AM NOT
GOING TO SHOOT YOU. – WING ME IN THE SHOULDER.
– THIS IS RIDICULOUS! – TRY, GENERAL.
SEE WHAT HAPPENS. – [sighs] – DEFLECTED–OOOWW! – OKAY. I MADE
A MISTAKE COMING HERE. – WING ME IN THE OTHER SHOULDER.
– I’D RATHER NOT. – I INSIST. DEFLECTED–AAAHH! THAT WAS BECAUSE MY OTHER ARM
WAS ALREADY INJURED. – OKAY. I’M LEAVING.
– [grunting] ALL RIGHT. ALL OR NOTHING. GUT SHOT. – NO!
– GUT SHOT! COME ON! IF YOU CAN SHOOT ME IN THE GUT,
I’LL CONCEDE. – DECKER, YOU HAVE
TWO WOUNDED ARMS. – GUT SHOT! GO! – GOT IT.
[groans] – YOU–YOU CAUGHT THE BULLET? – OH, YEAH.
[groans] – SO YOU’RE TELLING ME
THAT THE BULLET IS IN BETWEEN
YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW. – THAT’S WHAT
I’M TELLING YOU. – [sighs] [birds chirping] – IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? COME ON. HEAD SHOT. HEAD SHOT.
I’M READY. ONE SEC THOUGH.
[gunshot]

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36 thoughts on “Key & Peele – Retired Military Specialist

  1. "Old soldiers never die, they simply fade away… but a head shot may only work to keep the particularly old stubborn ones down." – General Douglas MacArthur
    Most only know the first part of that quote.

  2. like #183K range The intro to front hand back hand. chuckle. Also have another Decker skit, look for it He Wasn't Ready For The Hologram.

  3. Specialist, sergeant.. or sergeant major.. anyone of them could have had mortars almost take their lives.. been shot at..or seen people die right in front of them. It doesn’t matter what rank you are when you retire. They’re retired for a fucking reason.

  4. Just realized that from 2:12 – 2:18, Decker and the General continued from where they left off in forehand-backhand. And seems like the General lost, again. Evidently he never learns

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