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Podium Pandemonium at the New Hampshire Primary: The Daily Show

Podium Pandemonium at the New Hampshire Primary: The Daily Show


-WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. WE’RE GONNA BE CHATTING ABOUT EVERYTHING
THAT IS INVOLVED IN THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
SYSTEM. ALL OF YOU ARE HERE,
GATHERED TODAY, ESTEEMED MEDIA COLLEAGUES. I’M SURPRISED TO SEE
THE BLACK PEOPLE THAT CAME OUT. ALL FOUR OF YOU, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH FOR BEING HERE. -NUMBER ONE,
I WANT TO SAY SHOUT-OUTS TO ALL MY JOURNALISTS HERE
FOR HAVING SOLIDARITY. BUZZFEED LISTICLES
ARE TAKING OVER, BUT TONIGHT, WE RALLY TOGETHER TO FIGHT FOR
OUR DECLINING INDUSTRY. -HELP ME WELCOME TO THE STAGE
ALICIA MENENDEZ, RYAN LIZZA, MICHAEL STEELE, GOVERNOR HOWARD DEAN, AND DONNA BRAZILE! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] -HE’S CLEAN. -THE DEBATE SYSTEM, AT LEAST FROM THE SIDE
OF THE AISLE THAT I REPRESENT, IS EXACTLY AS I DESIGNED IT. AND… [ LAUGHTER ] …AND IT’S WORKING PERFECTLY. -BEFORE MY FORMER BOSS, AL GORE,
INVENTED THE INTERNET AND INSPIRED THE CREATION
OF TWITTER — HEY, THEY HAD AN OPPORTUNITY
TO BULLSHIT. I’MMA BULLSHIT, TOO. -PEOPLE ACTUALLY DON’T WATCH POLITICS THAT AFFECTS
THEIR LIVES UNTIL THEY GET REALLY CLOSE
TO THE GENERAL ELECTION. THIS IS ALL THE FOREPLAY,
IF YOU’LL PARDON THE EXPRESSION. ‘CAUSE SOMEBODY
ALWAYS DOES GET SCREWED. -WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE
A PRESIDENT? ‘CAUSE WE ALL KNOW THE SUN
IS JUST GONNA DIE ONE DAY AND KILL EVERY LIVING OBJECT. – SHOULD PEOPLE BE TRYING
TO MAKE MONEY OFF POLITICS? -I’VE GOT TO PAUSE HERE JUST TO PUT IN A PLUG
FOR PURINA BENEFUL. -YOU GUYS ARE A GREAT AUDIENCE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR BEING HERE. REALLY HAVING A GOOD TIME. YEAH. LET’S TALK ABOUT PANDERING.
DO WE NEED LIVE AUDIENCES? -WHY IS IT THAT WE MAKE
REPORTERS ASK QUESTIONS THAT APPLY
ONLY TO THEIR ETHNICITIES? AND, AS A FOLLOW-UP, CHINA — [ LAUGHTER ] OPPORTUNITY OR THREAT? -USING YOUR EMOJI,
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE STATE OF TODAY’S DEBATE? [ LAUGHTER ] AND THE WINNER
OF THIS PODIUM PANDEMONIUM IS ACTUALLY ALICIA MENENDEZ. -HOLD — HOLD ON.
HOLD ON. NOW, TREVOR, WE CROWNED
THE WRONG WINNER. IT’S — IT’S —
SHE’S NOT THE WINNER. ‘CAUSE IT’S THE THIRD ONE.
IT’S THE THIRD ONE. AND RIGHT THERE, SISTER BRAZILE. -OH, SO IT WAS — THE WINNER
IS DONNA BRAZILE, EVERYBODY! -THERE YOU GO.
-HEY! -I’M SO SORRY.
I’M SO SORRY. -THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND HOPEFULLY
WITH THESE SUGGESTIONS, WE WILL FIX OUR DEBATES. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ♪♪

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