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Season 3, Episode 12 – Camp Corp. | Camp Camp


(dang) (double dang) (dang solo) [sigh] Campers: [Indistinct chattering] David: Kids, please! I need everyone to calm down
and ask your questions one at a time. Harrison: I thought the fundraiser was a success! If we need money, why not just have the
Quartermaster beat you guys up again? Quartermaster: If bludgeoning the counselors
was a reliable source of income, I would gladly lend my assistance. Alas, we do not live in a perfect world.
(almost ready for round two) Nerris: Why are you just selling us off? David: It’s not like that at all, kids. Camp Corp has the money and the resources to make sure you ALL still get the camping experience you signed up for. Neil [off-screen]: Fuck! Off! Don’t try and put your positive spin on this, David. “Camp Corp”? That is some soulless big business
bullshit if I’ve ever heard it! Nikki: Yeah! You’re just handing us over to the MAN!
(or WOMAN) Whoever HE is.
(or SHE) Gwen: Annnnd these are our campers! Everyone, please say hello to Mr. And Mrs. Campwell! Mr. Campwell: Hello there. children.
It’s an absolute pleasure. Space Kid: Are you our new mom? Mrs. Campwell: Oh Goodness, no, my little astronaut. We may have founded Camp Corp,
but you ALL will be cared for by our incredible team of counselors across the country! Mr. Campwell: You’ll finally be with other campers
just like you. At our various summer camps. Ered: We will? Preston: That doesn’t sound so bad. I could have a partner to run lines with! [swipe] Nerris: Or enough players for a raid party! [swipe] Dolph: Or a chance to finally be among those who are pure. Pure artists!
(bullet dodge) Campers: [indistinct chattering] Nurf: What about David and Gwen? Are they fired? That’d be hilarious! Mrs. Campwell: Oh! Heavens, no. Gwen’s talents will be put to good use in our
city headquarters. And David will be working as Camp Corp’s
Camp Counselor-counselor! Right here at Camp Campbell. Mr. Campwell: That’s right. Camp Corp is about being family friendly, cooperative, and
never turning away a child who wants to go to camp! [off-screen] David is the perfect embodiment
of those values. Plus, he LOVES singing camp songs! (♫ Ohhhhh ♫) Nikki: Does that mean… we all have to split up? David: Hi, Max. It’s..been a few days. Have you made your decision yet? Which camp do you want to go to? Max: I’m still thinking. David: Come on, Max. I know it’s been hard. Especially since Neil and Nikki– Max [interrupts]: God damn! Don’t you have counselor-counseling
to prep for or something? Just leave me alone! Neil: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… I don’t know if I WANT to go to Science Camp! Nikki: Yeah! What fun is adventuring without you guys? Neil: Max, What do we do? Nikki: Max! Max: Huh? Are you guys still freaking out about this? What’s your problem? Neil: Our problem? Nikk: I don’t want to say goodbye yet. You guys are my friends! We’re like a wolf pack! Neil: Or team of scientists peer reviewing a new study! Nikki: Or a wolf pack! Max: Jesus, guys, grow up. Did you think summer was gonna last forever? It was always gonna end this way. Camp comes to a close, you get sent home,
you move on with your lives. Look, we had a good run,
but we were temporary friends at best. (Neil and Nikki will remember this) Nikki: Oh. Neil: Really? THAT’S all we are to you? Max: I mean, look, Neil- Neil [interrupts]: No, no, no, you’re right! Why would someone like you ever need a friend? You were fine on your own before we showed up. You’ll be fine once we’re gone. Max: Nikki, come on, you get it, right? Nikki: Bye, Max. [closed out, figuratively and literally] [heavy sigh] Max: ‘fuck you are looking at? Platypus: Muack! Max: Yeah, I’m talking to you! You sorry excuse for a mascot! Go eat some garbage, or whatever you do! Platypus: [growls] Max: Hmm! Well, nobody likes you anyway! Campbell [off-screen]: I’d say the feeling is mutual. Max: Campbell? You’re still out here? Campbell: Oh, you better believe it, Max! And it’s given me plenty of time to think about
recent developments in my life. And you know who I’ve realized is at the
CORE of all my frustrations? Max: Uhm… Quartermaster? Campbell: No, Max. It’s me. [thud] Max: Wait, Seriously? Campbell: Being completely cut off from other people
really forces you to look inward. If I’m being frank with you kid, I don’t think “Cameron Campbell” is gonna be able to weasel his way out of this one. And really, I don’t think he deserves to. Or, “I” deserve to? I’ll be honest, it’s been a while since I spoke
to another person. Max: You’re goddamn right you don’t deserve to! You got yourself so deep in the shit,
David and Gwen couldn’t keep the camp going. Had to sell it off, and now everyone’s gone! Campbell: [scoffs] I thought you were the “cool troublemaker” Why do YOU suddenly care about the camp getting sold? Tsundere: I-I, DON’T! Obviously, it’s just—you know— it sucks that they had to give it to a big company like
“Corp Camp” or whatever the fuck– Campbell [Interrupts]: Wait a second! Do you mean… Camp Corp!? Max: Iunno… Campbell: Son of a bitch! [pound] Max: You know those fossils? Campbell: Know them? I built them! I was on the ground floor of their business back
when it was just “Camp Co!”
(not to be confused with Capcom, or CostCo) We we’re going to be huge! Until they BETRAYED me, cut me off right before they made it big! And added the “orp”. Max: The Campwells betrayed you!? They seem like nice people to me. Obnoxiously so. Campbell: Well, OF COURSE. That’s their whole BRAND! I built Camp Co for them, and then I had to build
Camp Campbell without them! They NEVER could have put up with the things I did! Incompetent counselors, insatiable campers! They would have CRACKED! Good God, what I wouldn’t give to watch them fail. Max: Yeah, we were really terrible, weren’t we? Campbell: All right, fine. Twist my arm, I’ll do it. Max: Huh? What are you talking about? Campbell: Well, you’ve got that “I’m about to hatch a brilliant scheme” look.
So obviously we’re about to form some… unholy begrudging alliance here. Max: I mean, I had one little idea, but– Campbell [interrupts]: Oh, for the love of God, please just get me out of this cave! – [SLAM]
– Max: David! David: Hey Max, did you figure out what you want? Max: Yeaah. [reluctant sigh] I want to spend summer, at Camp Campbell. [pen drops] Max: Uh, David? David: Oh, Max, I knew this day would come! I planned for it and everything! [tugs] [dead weight hits floor] Oh, I-uh kind of expected this day to come sooner. Max: Calm down, Idiot. It’s not like I like it here. (baka) I just, look,
we still don’t HAVE a Camp Campbell for me go to. David: Oh, that’s right. Oh, Why did the happiest day of my life
also have to be the worst? Camp Corp really DID take everything. Max: They SURE did!
And we’re gonna make ’em regret it! David: Regret..it? [swinging door] Campbell [off-screen]: That’s right. Davey. (*  ̄︿ ̄) David: Mr. Campbell. (  ̄︿ ̄ *) Max [awkwardly]: Happy Reunion! David: Max, what in the name of fun is
Mr. Campbell doing here? He tried to frame me for his crimes! We can’t TRUST him. Campbell: And I couldn’t trust YOU to have my back! Or have you just “conveniently forgotten” Parent’s Day! – David: Hmm.
– Campbell: Hmm. Max: Yeah, yeah, we’re all pieces of shit. But the Campwells are the worst. They screwed over Campbell in the past,
and now they’ve screwed us, too! We’ve each got something to gain from
working together this ONE time! Campbell can have his revenge on Camp Corp,
and WE get this stupid camp back. Mr. Campbell: A temporary partnership. Then, we never have to see each other again. David: If it gets the camp back, then,
I suppose it’s fine with me. What’s the plan, Max? Max: Somebody get me a cell phone. David: I’m..pretty sure you stole mine. Max: Oh, right. [car honking] Corp. Exec.: Nice work today, Gwen. You really synergized all those workflows. Gwen: Oh, Great. Uh– but there is one thing! I..noticed some discrepancies between the receipts,
and expense report sales turned in over the weekend. If you want, I could head down there and- Corp. Exec.: [chuckles] Oh, Gwen, I had NO IDEA you were such a go-getter. Accounts Payable can take care of that. Don’t worry. Gwen: Are you sure? I could- Corp. Exec. [interrupts]: Gwen, this isn’t Camp Campbell. The building’s not going to burn down without you. We’ll let you know if we need anything. [pompous footsteps] [chair swivel] [slide] (still less soul-crushing than in an Amazon Warehouse) Nancy [off-screen]: Ahem. Gwen: You say something? Nancy: Mmmmm, no? [Ringing] Gwen: Camp Corp Accounting, Gwen speaking. Max [phone]: Fuck! Gwen: Wait a minute, Max? Max: Yeah, Sorry. I bet Campbell five bucks
you’d be working in the mailroom. Gwen: You little shit! I’m better th– Wait, Campbell as in…? Max [phone]: Yeah, it’s a long story, But the punchline is that
we’re getting Camp Campbell back and we need your help. David: I know you finally have a respectable job, Gwen,
so if you don’t want to get involved– Gwen [phone; interrupts]: FUCK THIS JOB! I mean, wha’? [nervous chuckle] [whispers] Fuck this job! They don’t need me. There’s nothing to do. I get paid to just sit around and wait! Campbell: Hey now, that is a hard job to land. David: Gwen, really, are you sure about this? Gwen: You’re goddamn right I am.
(arc reversed) What do you need me to do? David: Max, I’m still not entirely sure I understand
what we’re doing. Max: We’re gonna cause some patented
Camp Campbell Chaos! I’ll explain on the bus. David: The bus? Quartermaster: Bus is here. Campbell: So he still just does that, huh? Max: Gentlemen, let’s go to summer camp! Magical Girl Counselor: Welcome to Magic Camp! Magical Boy Counselor: What’s your name, buddy? Max: You can call me Max! Golly, It’s nice to meet you!
(going full David makes me nauseous) Magical Boy Counselor: So you say his old camp shut down? Johnman Radcamp: That’s right!
I’ll walk you through ALL the transfer paperwork. Do you have an office? Preferably far from here? Magical Girl Counselor: Uhh, right this way? [MAGIC] [HARRISON MAGIC] – Max [off-screen]: Well, well, well.
– Harrison: [GASP] M-Max, what are you doing here? This camp is supposed to be for magicians only. Max: Since I never had a camp activity like the rest of you, the Campwells said I could choose whatever camp I wanted. Luckily, Gwen pulled a few strings for me,
so I could come try them all. But to tell you the truth, I’m secretly trying to get Camp Campbell back together. Harrison: You’re trying to get Camp Campbell back together? But why? Y– Tsundere [interrupts]: It doesn’t matter why!
I’m just here to get a magic kid. We’re DEFINITELY gonna need one of those! Harrison: Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, Max, but Magic Camp is where I belong. Like a dove forcibly shoved into a jacket pocket. Max: Oh, well, I didn’t mean YOU, necessarily!
(Max Mode activated) Any magic kid’ll do.
Have a nice life, Harrison. Hey, abracadabra, fellow magician friend.
(magecist) Magic Kid: Welcome, new illusionist. I hope you’re ready to have your mind freaked
with awesome magic tricks. Max: You bet I am! – Say, would you be interested in joining a camp where we comb-? [boiling sound]
(3…2…1…) Harrison: Mrrhg!
(baited) Max Mode: Whoa, did you see that shit, Harrison?
She’ll fit right in! Harrison [condescending]: Big deal, they can all pull rabbits out of hats! That’s ALL we do! ALL-DAY-LONG! Max Mode: Gee, I’m not sure what you’re so upset about.
You said you were happy here. Harrison: You can’t just REPLACE me with any
magic kid at Camp Campbell, Max. Max: Why not?
You just said you all pull rabbits out of your hats. Harrison: Well, yeah, but they’re not me! Max: And that would make a difference, because… Harrison: Because..because, we were all friends! (hook, line, and sucker) Oh. It seems I have freaked my own mind. Max: Ta-da. Harrison: So, how exactly were you going
to get Camp Campbell back, Max? Max: I thought you’d never ask! Johnman Radcamp: And I’m SURE he’ll be happy here, or my name definitely isn’t Johnman Radcamp, which it is, on my ID badge. – [firaga]
– Magical Girl Counselor: What the…? – Magic Campers: [screaming]
– [roar] Max: Damn, Harrison, I never knew you had it in you!
[punch] [growl] Magical Boy Counselor: What did you do!? Max: Just the kind of stuff I always did at my old camp. Johnman Radcamp: Oh, dear!
Looks like you counselors could use a little help! Magical Girl Counselor: We have to learn ALL of this? David [off-screen]: Tha-at’s right. As your Camp Counselor-counselor, I’ve assembled the detailed and comprehensive
study guide to help teach you everything I find to be essential
in running a summer camp! Magical boy Counselor:
Twenty-seven of these pages are just campfire songs. Who on earth could memorize ALL of this? Johnman Radcamp: Thaaat would be him. Study hard, Counselors. We’ll keep Magic Camp closed until you send in
your written exam. [VROOM] David: Oh my gosh, I can’t believe that worked! Max: Well, Gwen supplied the ID badge,
Campbell supplied the ability to lie with no remorse. Campbell: Let’s not forget your military-like
destabilization tactics! And Davey’s insufferably high standards for fun. David: Awww, thanks, Mr. Campbell. (uncomfortable threechums here) [coughs] Campbell: Right. Touching. Harrison: What is Samboy Kidwell doing here? Max: Shut up, Harrison.
(friends?) Good to have you back.
(friends.) (here’s your 106th Childish Gambino song parody) [Richie Branson] ♫ This is my summer camp ♫ ♪ Fuck up your summer camp ♪ [flaming, screaming] ♪ You don’t want none of that ♪ ♪ I spend 100 racks ♪ ♪ Just hit the hashpipe ♪ ♪ Now I’m lit like a flashlight ♪ (a magical olive branch) ♪ I hit the halfpipe ♪ ♪ My trick didn’t land right ♪ ♪ Whoo ♪ ♪ I’m buggin’ ♪ – ♪ I’m like, “fuck it” ♪ ♪ All my shit, high budget ♪ ♪ Hai, hai ♪ [song abruptly stops] [click] – ♪ This is a montage, blow up like a rocket launch ♪
– [ignites] [montage song playing diegetically] Nurf: I’m sorry, Max. But Mixed Martial Arts Camp is exactly the kind of
outlet I need to vent my violent tendencies. I can beat people up, and no one cares! Watch! [NURFNUTZ] MMA Counselor [off-screen]:
Hey, that’s against the rules! Nurf: Rules? – [montage song resumes non-digetically]
– Let’s burn this fucker down. ♪ Screaming “Campe Diem” ♪ ♫ Blah ♫
(quite the lyrically-specific montage song) Max: That’s… almost everyone. David: Just two names left. Campbell: You know, my favorite part is the look at all the counselors’ faces
when you mention the TEST, Davey! They’re all like, “Whoa, What!?” David: Well, MY favorite part is seeing just how much
FUN you and Max are having together! You sure helped bring out his natural talents! Campbell: I WAS voted “Worst Influence” at
Super Guantanamo’s yearbook signing party. Aw, what’s wrong, kid? We’ve done impressive work here. You should be happy! Tsundere: I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. [ringing] Gwen [phone]: Holy shit! Whatever you guys are doing,
it’s working! [whispers]: They’re going crazy over here,
trying to figure out what the fuck is going on! But I’m not sure how much longer I can keep these
IDIOTS busy, so let’s wrap this up quick. Nancy [off-screen]: Hey, who’s an idiot? Gwen: Nancy,
can you PLEASE mind your own FUCKING BUSINESS!? Just make sure the contract’s ready,
so ALL of this can go off without a hitch. You got that, Campbell? Mr. Campbell: On top of it! I worked it up, myself! Gwen: And I hope this goes without saying,
but because you’re you, no funny shit, all right? The Campwells are giving David and me
control of the camp. Campbell: Oh, don’t you worry. Cameron Campbell can’t legally own property anyway. David: All that’s left now, is to get Nikki and Neil. Gwen [phone]: Yeah, that’s the other thing. They’re actually… here. Mr. Campwell [off-screen]: Here at Camp Corp,
we dislike using the phrase “troublemakers”. Mrs. Campwell: We prefer “children in need of love”. Mr. Campwell: And, based on your recent behavior,
we’d say you two could use a LOT of it. Nikki: [slams] I only bit ONE kid! Mrs. Campwell: Seven times! Mr. Campwell: And what on earth is a
“Napalm Synthesizer?” Neil: If you have to ASK,
you have no business running a Science Camp. Mrs. Campwell: Uh, children, we want to help
get to the bottom of this, but I’m afraid your camps aren’t the only ones
in trouble at the moment. Mr. Campwell: Fortunately, one of our employees volunteered to come and talk with you. [stock door opening sound] Thank goodness for that dual major in psych,
am I right? Why don’t you two get out of here,
while I chat with these little rascals? [shuts door] Let’s get the fuck out of here! And then Nancy was like, “Who’s an idiot?”,
and I told her to mind her own FUCKING BUSINESS! Nikki: Personally, that’s when I would have
started with the bitey! Neil: Wait, wait, wait. Can you go back for a second? We’re getting the camp back!? Gwen: Oh, yeah, and everybody’s here. Both: Everybody? [DING] Max: Heeey, long time no see! (left you hanging, Max) Heard you both started a little bit of mayhem at your camps. Guess I’m rubbing off on you two, huh? Neil: Oh look, Nikki. It’s our temporary friend, Max. Nikki: Yes, the friend of ours who isn’t permanent. Quite. Max: Come on, guys. Things are gonna go
back to the way they were, I promise. I’ve got a plan. Neil: Interesting, I figured you’d have
moved on with your life by now. Nikki: I will also add a sarcastic remark
as soon as I can think of one. [DING] Mrs. Campwell: Oh my! Mr. Campwell: David, Gwen, I hope you have
an explanation for all of this! David: [gulp] Mr. And Mrs. Campwell. We appreciate everything you did for us and the kids. But, we’re not sure it’s for the best anymore. Mrs. Campwell: But, weren’t you children happy at
your new camps? Campers: [various chattering of “not really”]
(except for Space Kid, because he’s Space Kid) David: Which is why we’re asking you to return
Camp Campbell, so we can give our campers the summer they deserve! Mr. Campwell: Well, hold on there, sonny. We acquired your camp because
you two couldn’t afford to keep it. Max: And that’s exactly why you’ll ALSO be making
a charitable donation to our cause. Mrs. Campwell: Pardon, little boy. Max: Like David said, we appreciate all you’ve done for us. Accepting us into your family without a second thought. But every family has problems,
and we’re hell-bent on being yours! Mrs. Campwell: [gasp] All that chaos at our camps! Max: Chaos? That’s a regular day at Camp Campbell. And NOW a regular day for you too! Mr. Campwell: What? You can’t threaten us! Max: Oh, but I can. Because you’re friendly, cooperative, and
you never turn away a child who wants to go to camp. So without Camp Campbell, we’ll just be forced to
re-enlist into your camps! Again. And again! AND AGAIN! Mr. Campwell: You know, maybe you people don’t
embody the Camp Corp values after all. Johnman Radcamp: How VERY observant. It looks to me like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place: Your precious values, and these delightful hellraisers. Or, you could just hand the camp over,
and sign ALL your problems away. [defeated sighs] [writes] Good Guys: [Cheering] Bad Guy: [Evil Laughs] My revenge is finally complete! Mrs. Campwell: Johnman Radcamp,
what did we EVER do to you? Johnman Radcamp: No! You idiots! It’s me! Space Kid: WHOOOA [ding], no way! Gwen: What the hell did you do, Campbell?! Campbell: Cameron Campbell didn’t do anything. But, Johnman Radcamp just acquired full control of Camp Campbell, AND enough money to sail away for good! THAT is why you ALWAYS READ THE FINE PRINT, SUCKERS! David: Mr. Campbell!>:( Mrs. Campwell: [sigh] Little Cameron, you still haven’t
changed, have you? Campbell: Up yours, Muriel!
You and Clarke never believed in my ideas! Max: Wait, but I thought you guys betrayed Campbell. Clarke: Betrayed? Is that what he said? YOU were the one who pushed us away when WE said
your ideas would only lead to trouble! Muriel: You helped us build Camp Corp, but your greed only helped yourself, at the expense of EVERYONE around you. Mr. Campbell: Well, I didn’t need you! I did JUST fine before I meet you and I was FINE when you we’re gone! I was Generic Hiking Magazine’s
Richest Outdoorsman of 1994! A Self-Reflexive Max: Ah, fuck. David/Muriel: Language! Max: Um, I’m sorry. I didn’t go to all this trouble for Camp Campbell. I did it… for you guys. ([audience awws]) ’cause you’re my friends, and I just didn’t want to admit it. Because once the time came for us to actually say goodbye, I’d have something to lose. But you know.. trying to go through life all on your own
seems pretty fucking stupid now. Campbell: Oh, what? Am I supposed to be the “big bad example” here? David: We did everything we set out to do by
working together, and had some fun doing it. But, everything fell apart… only when YOU pushed everyone away. Campbell: Yeah! And WON! Gwen: Won what, exactly? Campbell: I got my LIFE back! I’ll leave this country behind and go anywhere I want! Just not Thailand, or Russia… Burned all the bridges with North Korea.
(Child Communist Comrades never forgets) Max: With all that money, you could just BUY some new friends
who will eventually hate your guts, too. Campbell: I, [gasp]… I mean… Max: [sigh] Well, I guess this is goodbye. I just wanted you to know that… I’ll miss you.
(asshole declenched) And I’m sorry we couldn’t be friends longer. Nikki: Don’t be such a DUMMY, Max. Neil: Yeah. We might never see each other again,
but we’ll always be friends. Campwells: Awwww! Dolph: Group hug! – David: Yaaaay!
– Gwen/Max/Neil: No.
– Nikki: Okay! [vehicle igniting] [engine running] Quartermaster: Camp is gone. [VROOM] Ered: Well, that’s typical. [ringing] Max: Uhm, David. Your phone. [beep] David: Hello? Campbell [phone]: Do you know how many
money-making schemes I’ve started over the years? David: Mr. Campbell? I don’t know. I mean, does that time you asked me for a dollar– Campbell [phone; interrupts]:
It’s a rhetorical question! I don’t even know. All these years, I’ve prided myself on
always having a new business. A new way to make millions! They never got me whatever it was I was looking for, because… I always wanted more. The only venture I haven’t tried, is a… new ME. [HONK] MY BLINKER IS ON, YOU SON OF A BITCH! Mm, right, the point is… [phone] I really don’t think Cameron Campbell
deserves to weasel his way out of this one. So… you take good care of those stupid kids, David,
and Campe Diem. David: Mr. Campbell, what are you gonna–? [CLICK] [car shut] Campers: [joyful laughing and hollering] Neil: Hey, no human shields! Max: Space Kid’s an inanimate object at best. Space Kid: Don’t forget expendable! David: Now, kids, play nice! Nikki: We will never conform to the man! Campers: [laughs] David: Maaaax. Space Kid: [chuckles] Glad to see you having fun. Max: Don’t push it! (baka) [drops] [flaps] Gwen: Things are just about back to normal. David: Yeah, it’s almost perfect. [van screeching from outside] [van doors opening] Campbell [off-screen]:
WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE!? [door swings] You two said we were going to the PARK! Neil: What the hell is going on!? Ered: Hey, dads. Agent Miller: Hi, sweetie. Agent Miller: We understand you all have been through
a lot over the past few days. We heard all about it in Mr. Campbell’s
detailed confession! Which he told us willingly after turning himself in. Agent Miller: We’ve realized he isn’t quite the
criminal mastermind we once thought he was. Really, he’s just kind of an idiot. Agent Miller: An idiot that could still do some good
in the Sleepy Peak region. The kind of good you get after
several thousand hours of community service. Mr. Campbell: But [inhales] is jail..still an option? B’seriously, how can you honestly expect me
to run this camp again!? Agent Miller: I think you’re misunderstanding. Agent Miller: YOU’RE going to be taking orders, from him. [swipe] David: NOW it’s perfect! Max: Welcome to camp, asshole! [Richie Branson – “This Isn’t Goodbye, It’s See You Later”]

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